You’re a Christian woman who is gifted, hardworking and striving to have it all. You work outside the home, are a leader at work and seem to have it all together. We’ve counseled with many women who fit this description, but they come to us because life is unraveling at home. I want to offer some suggestions if you desire to see changes.
One of my clients, Betty (not her real name) is a go-getter and was moving quite steadily up the Mary Kay ladder. Recruiting, building a downline, and with her eyes fixed firmly on that pink Cadillac in her future, Betty had the look of success in the making. She was the boss at work, chief breadwinner at home, and an expert on getting things done.
She is a believer, goes to church and has assumed the role of leader and spiritual head in her home. She makes almost all of the decisions with minimal consideration of her husband’s views. Problems intensify if there are children involved.
Rolf’s (her husband) temperament is much more relaxed, and he is content working a steady but low-paying job. He readily admits that his wife is more spiritually attuned and mature than he is. He’s tuned out of the marriage on many levels because he’s tired of the debates and struggles.
She is miserable, and so is he. What’s the remedy?
God created the husband to be the spiritual head of the home, and when the wife assumes that role, by design or by default, the seeds for discontent are sown and grow.
Alpha (“Type A”) females are not new, but they are much more common than in years past. They are used to being the boss, but the reality is that no husband wants a boss, or a competitor, at home. If God’s plan for marriage, especially those who profess Christ and know the Bible, do not unfold, the results can be mediocre (best case) or disastrous at worst.
The ideal solution is for the husband to step and assume his proper role. If he is unable or unwilling because of intimidation, the wife can unilaterally initiate some changes to lay the groundwork for the Lord to work in her husband and marriage.
I want to be clear: the discussion below does not apply in marriage situations where the spouse is an addict, mentally ill or abusive in any way.
Joint marriage counseling will always be the best option, but if he is not willing, you still have options.
6 Suggestions for the Married Alpha Female
Here are a few suggestions for the Christian alpha wife to consider:
- Settle for less than the best at home. Learn to be content in any and every situation. Express gratitude regularly
- Stop micromanaging your husband or household activities.
- If it’s been buried, let your femininity out of the box. Why did your husband marry you? That rejuvenation needs to apply to the bedroom also.
- Submit to your husband, as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22-23). Let him lead, make decisions in areas that are new for both of you. Serve him. See the disclaimer in the paragraph above: that does not mean being a doormat.
- Learn how to say yes more frequently than no.
- Speak less and listen more to what he is saying.
If you are an alpha wife but are not content, know that God can change your marriage. There are always two sides to every marriage counseling session but if you can see that much of the problem lies with you, take steps now to make a shift. Let the Lord work on your husband’s heart as he sees the changes in you. Is it worth taking that step?
If this strikes a chord with you, I want to encourage you to get your hands on an excellent book: “The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage” by Suzanne Venker. She shares valuable insights based on her journey down this road. It is a secular book, but the principles have a biblical root because the author accurately recognizes the God-given differences between men and women.
I was able to help get Betty and Rolf in position for the Lord to rebuild their marriage in a new way. They loved each other and were willing to make changes. We first reviewed their temperament analyses so they could better understand their individual strength and weakness.
They both agreed that they would purpose to serve one another to help meet their unique needs. For Betty especially, this meant some significant changes were required.
As Rolf felt more comfortable with Betty’s new attitude and actions in their marriage, he was able to more fully roll into his position as the spiritual head of the home, something they both wanted.
If you need help with the details in implementing a new approach in your situation, please consider connecting with us. We can help you in one of our offices or over the internet.
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